Unexplainable Behaviors

It's funny since the 14mile walk I haven't been myself physically and emotionally. I figured a walk like that was going to make me feel good about myself but instead, it just made me feel weak in all sorts of ways.

Today I decided while I walked downtown to visit a church on 4th and Mission which my mother used to go to during her lunch hour almost everyday in the 80s. I entered it because after dealing with alot of noise all around downtown the entire morning, I needed to be somewhere quiet for a few minutes if not more and what better place then a worship house.

It's funny this particular catholic church is on a very busy street, surrounded by the tallest buildings, alot of cars going past it throughout the day and a park across the street, yet when I walked in through the doors and let them close behind me, I did not hear a single sound from the outside. I needed the quiet, my brain was aching.

I walked all the way to the front and sat on the right side and closed my eyes in order to just meditate. Yet, as a result of my restless soul and curious mind, I kept opening my eyes to see all those worshipers walking about the church. This exercise for me was the most fascinating because most of the elder worshipers walked to every statue in the church, knelt in front of it and held the sculptured or plastered hand as if to bond with them in person and prayed. For some strange reason I was bothered by this particular way of praying, I mean I am not trying to judge anyone but I am not sure why some people need to feel religion by touch. In my opinion religion is what you feel inside and if you sit quietly in any room in darkness or even in broad daylight, you will feel religion deep inside and religion will feel you without a physical touch and that is all that matters to heal your soul. I feel those who need to experience religion by touch, doubt what religion is and for that reason I am saddened by what I saw today.

I stayed there for about 30 minutes and calmed my brain in the quiet and then walked outside to continue my journey for the day. I wish I could have stayed the rest of the afternoon and just kept my eyes closed...

Walking San Francisco

I announced last week sometime that I planned on walking the streets of San Francisco as soon as the weather cooperated. Well on Wednesday March 17th, it did and at 10:00 a.m. with my work out gear on, my man and I ventured to take the walk I had been planning to do for months.

I did mention I believe that after years of bashing the city, I realized I have grown to appreciate and love it in more ways than one. I normally drive through the city to get a dose of my appreciation, but Tuesday I opted to walk it.

We started out at the Cliff House, an area called Lands End and decided to follow the trail eastbound and see where the road took us. I must say the terrain was a bit muddy and uneven, but the scenery most wonderful and the ambiance perfect for meditation, minus the fear of coyote signs. Anyway, that stretch of our walk was about 3 miles and was along the coast, we were done by about 11. At the other end of the trail was the Legion of Honor Museum and El Camino Del Mar, where some of the beautiful homes are located, we passed through the neighborhood and headed toward the Presidio area leading to the Golden Gate Bridge,which was another 3 miles. This part of the trail was pretty gruesome and tiresome, because walking through the woods was most difficult and having to walk parallel to the cars zooming along the highway was not the best thing to do. I really didn't care for this part.

When we got to the Golden Gate Bridge, we took a water and restroom break, and opted to continue through the Presidio to Fort Winfield Scott and then some more through the Presidio heading toward the Marina Green. This was yet another mile or so. This part was not fun either but since I was curious to know how the trail was, I kept going. By this point it was one in the afternoon and the sun was beaming. I think it was about 70 degrees. The most interesting part of the trail is the fact that the city is doing an amazing job of creating these wonderful walking, biking and hiking trails for people.

The Marina greens seemed dirty and muddy on Wednesday, of course because of all the rain we had weeks before. It was not the best area to walk through either because of all the dirt and construction but since everyone seemed to have taken a day off Wednesday to enjoy the weather, there were alot of people walking along with us as well

By this point we felt completely dehydrated and stopped for a smoothie but because it was so close to lunch, we decided to share a strawberry, banana and mango juice smoothie. It was so delicious, I wish we each had our own. I realized by this point that I didn't care to go toward Fisherman's wharf and suggested to my partner we turn right and head toward the Palace of Fine Arts so we could tackles the hills heading toward Pacific Street. I love architecture and being able to taking a walking tour of the beautiful homes along Pacific Heights was most ideal for me. So when we got to Union Street we decided to have lunch in order to get some energy to go on. So we stopped at AScew and had a salad and lots of water.

At 2p.m. we decided to head up Buchannan Street and turn right on Vallejo and walk, as we walked we noticed the hills ahead of us and although I was aching by this point, we decided to go up the steepest anyway on Vallejo. I must say it was very difficult to enjoy the homes along the way, when you are worried about a possible heart attack or a seizure of some sort. What was so funny along this "trail" was a man passing out pamphlets on the steepest hill in the city. We couldn't believe what he was doing and whatever he was passing, believe me no one in those homes was interested in it.

Anyway, we finally reached the top of the hill and then decided to move toward Pacific Avenue so that we could make our way West toward the beach in order to pick up the car. Three miles to Lake Street and then down another 4 miles toward the car. When I looked at the sign we hadn't even hit the numbered streets and I just wanted to jump on a bus and head toward the beach. My partner, an avid competitor in most sports pushed me to continue. From 2nd Avenue to 48, it felt like there was no hope as we continued to walk slower and slower. I wanted to stop, he didn't let me (very typical), so we walked and ached and when we finally got to 46th Avenue, I told him I was having a meltdown so he started to push me from the back. I was delirious and completely out of breath. We finally got to the car and didn't know how to sit down in it.

It was 5p.m. when we finally got home and I jumped into the shower, ate a quick dinner and went to bed. The funny thing is I love the outdoors but after Wednesday, I don't want to be out for a while. I haven't yet fully recovered, my mind was mush and my body aches in places I never knew could ache. I think he feels the same as me and I know for a fact, he has no plans on walking for a few days or perhaps weeks or maybe even a month. So now I can check this goal off my list of things to do in 2010.

Is There Anybody Listening?

You know I love writing and have dabbled at it all my life. Whether I write
a poem or my thoughts in a greeting card or my novel and blogs, I do it as a means of self expression first and a publication second.

I have alot to say just in case you haven't noticed but historically too afraid to say them and recently too angry to say the right things. I have always asked why, how, what for, how come not the other way, and more why's, and yet these question often have irritated people in my life and thus labeled me "difficult to deal with" rather than considering me an artistic person with a curious mind. I love a good challenge and always consider looking outside the box for solutions rather than take the safe way out. What has been the most disturbing to me is that the people that count the most in my life often opt for the box and no challenge whatsoever. Keep it simple, don't ask questions and always say "I don't know"

So I clash and I beat my head against the wall and write as a way of expressing my own version of logic and hoping that someone somewhere is going to read it and say "Wow, I understand and I feel the same as you"

Couple of days ago I shared this blog with an estranged friend of mine who I found on Facebook, whom I have known for about 10 years (wow, I didn't realize it was that long) and she actually gave me the best encouragement and hope I have had or heard in a long time. I always knew we had alot in common but now realize how important my friendship was and hopefully is with this person. She is a straight shooter, who also questions everything in sight and is not satisfied with the simple way out of things.

So, someone heard me and understood my way of thinking and self expression and for that I want to thank her from the bottom of my heart. Hopefully we can rekindle our friendship.

Water Lillies and Monet

I love all flowers in their natural habitat. I hate when people give me a bouquet of flowers, roses, tulips and whatever floats their boat. I know I have to be nice because they did something to show me their gratitude and so forth. I just feel for the flowers and I want to appreciate each and everyone where they may lay.

Every time I go to Los Angeles, I visit the Getty Museum because of the ambiance, landscape, flowers and architecture. I don't really need to see the same works of art or lack there of, I just need to see if everything is still as it should be. Besides, if you visit the Getty in different seasons, you get a broader perspective on it's beauty.

Take for example these beautiful photos of all the water lilies around the museum and to think people feel the need to stick the lilies in vases placed on a piano or a mantle. Enjoy.

Soul Mates In Question

Funny thing that we all do in our teens through thirties is look for our match by searching for the perfect soul mate. According to definition: A soulmate is somebody with whom one has a feeling of deep and natural affinity, love, intimacy, sexuality, spirituality, and/or compatibility. A related concept is that of the twin flame or twin soul – which is thought to be the ultimate soulmate, the one and only other half of one's soul, for which all souls are driven to find and join (Wiki)

I see, the interesting thing I discovered as I also searched for my soulmate is that: First, you don't really want to be with someone exactly like you because you spend your entire life running away from yourself, why try to find a duplicate? Second, usually opposites tend to be the perfect match with all the items listed above because they tend to compliment who you are and add to the variation hence they complete you, making the "soul" perfect.

Well after spending most of my life comparing my mate to myself and trying desperately to match our interests and desires and so forth, I realized that in the end, it doesn't matter. Really, who cares. Mates or partners are there just so you don't talk to yourself all day long. Having the same interest isn't all that important because otherwise you live in a cocoon all your life, not experiencing anything different than what you both are used to. Whether you are compatible sexually has no great significance either because after a while however perfect the soulmate match is, it all gets old.

So before you go searching for your "soulmate", remember one thing, find the mate that you can create your own soul with and you will find true happiness in life.

An Affair Of The Mind

You know I often look at paintings and statues and appreciate them from the artists perspective and leave it at that. I never try to interpret them at their location but once I look through the pictures of the ones I chose to capture, I realize I must of subconsciously taken the photo because of what I felt inside.

Take this picture for example, I took this photo in May 2006 in Monte Carlo. For some reason it spoke to me. Four years later, as I contemplate life like any midlife reaching freak does, I decided this statue absolutely describes how I feel at this point in life. Just in case you don't get it - the statue tells me it's all about the mind, all relations in life are all about the mind. Not so much the physical touch, nor compassion but simply relating to one another through the mind.

Think about it, what percentage of your being and feeling and emotion is physical and which is mental? Throughout your life don't you spend the majority of the time playing mind games with anyone and everyone to get your way? Isn't it true that to really get under some one's skin, you drive them insane mentally? How do you raise your child? Where do you truly feel pain? The list is endless.

So not knowing why I took a picture of this statue in 2006 and completely relating to it in 2010 means I now fully understand the true meaning of wisdom. I suppose so did the sculpturer, he must have been midlifing as well.